Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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