I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
