woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
