I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize