So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
