so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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