I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
