im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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