Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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