I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
