Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
