Apparently you make a good broom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
