i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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