I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
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