why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
