mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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