Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
