I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
