Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
