Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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