How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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