dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
