I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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