god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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