Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
