im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Randomize
