I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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