Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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