I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
