You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
How does one acquire holy water?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the raccoons are back...
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