Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
