I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
only if we run a train.
done.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
