Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
