So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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