just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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