You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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