im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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