Just fell off a train. Bad.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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