I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
