I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
