My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
