just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
