just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
