Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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