Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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