So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
