I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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