I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
dude i'm inner monologue high
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
