I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
