Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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