guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
jump out the window naked night went bad
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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