I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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