Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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