Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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