If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
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