Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
