i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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