hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
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