Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
