I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
