if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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