I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
