I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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