I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
