So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
