i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
