I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Just pee around me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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