Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
