Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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