Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I have post one night stand depression
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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